I (was) saved at Wal-Mart

Not only are prices falling at Wal-Mart.

Freaks are dropping from the sky too. Or apparating in the parking lot, in my case.

I had gone shopping for my friend who is setting up her classroom. I paused with my cart full o school stuff to cross the parking lot.

A fairly normal-looking brunette lady in her late 40s was crossing as well, toward me. She was wearing plain clothes and glasses. She turned her head toward me and had this bizarre pasted-on smile on her face. I naturally gave a quick half-smile just in case she was someone I knew but didn't recognize right away, to be friendly. I couldn't tell if we had made eye contact because her glasses were tinted.

She made a beeline for me and veered toward my cart. I thought she was going to ask directions or something. Instead, she leaned close and said in a breathy voice, "Jesus loves you. I hope he's your best friend," without breaking the creepy plastic smile.

I said, "Thank you?" and I don't quite know why my voice went up in pitch at the end like it was a question. Then I crossed the street.

It's official. I'm a freak beacon.

The backup plan ...

or, I think I'll go live in a cave



So I went to substitute teacher training yesterday. Which is something I never thought I would actually be attending. I just signed up to be safe and have it be my backup plan. And here I am using it. Along with the retired teachers who sub for fun and the scary people with no apparent social skills who can't get a job. And I'm one of them now.

This goes along with my theory that I like to plan FOR things, but I don't like USING the plans when it comes down to it.

I should be happy to be done with school and relieved to not have to do any of the mind-numbing bureaucratic work in the program, but instead I'm depressed about having to use my "backup plan."

Why am I so upset about it? I'm going to make money, I don't have to worry too much about being responsible for test scores or the other headachey things that schools are famous for, and I'm frustrated. For one more year, I can go on a vacation whenever I want, and I'm pissed about it.

I think it all comes down to dealing with people who start conversations when they just shouldn't go there. There's much more to me than just a JOB or SCHOOL but they don't get it.

Once again I have had to restrain my urge to poke people's eyes out (even over the phone) for saying STUPID crap things in response to me not getting a "real job." I've resorted to the shortest possible responses and not furthering the conversation which they were dumb enough to start. Like these:

Anonymous Relative 1: So I hear you're unemployed.
Me: Yep. (long pause)
AR 1: Huh. Where's the soda?

AR 2: So you haven't heard anything about the job?
Me: Nope. (long pause)
AR 2: Well, it will be good to sub for a while. That way you'll figure out where you want to be. (Nevermind the fact that she KNOWS I want to BE in my OWN classroom, not pinballing from school to school.)
Me: Yep.
AR 2: And could you be hired a few weeks into the school year?
Me: Mmm-hmm.
AR2: Well at least then you'd have a classroom. (Didn't she just say it would be good to sub?)
Me: Yeah.
AR2: You'd have to hit the ground running.
Me: Yeah, I know.
AR2: Well, that would be good. (What???)
Me: I'm screwed either way, so it really doesn't matter, does it? I have to go.

AR3: So did you get a job for fall?
Me: Looks like I'll be subbing for a while.
AR3: Oh. Well, I meant a real job. Like at a school.
Me: Do you know where the drinks are?

And the nominations are...

Reno 911's hot-pants lieutenant.




I don't know who this other guy is, but the aforementioned Mike F. nominated him as a Mike look-alike.

To review, here's a pic of the subject. Mikey, of course. That's my most recent photo of him, on our way down 800-foot Beacon Rock in the Columbia River Gorge on our Oregon trip.

Check out the other three nominations in the previous posting and vote and let us know who you think looks like Mikey. Unless you think it's that guy that the aforementioned Mike nominated. :)

Still destitute...

In case you were wondering, NO I DON'T HAVE A JOB YET.

I seriously avoided people at my sister's wedding because I was sick of that question and having to explain that, yes, I taught summer school, but that's only in the SUMMER, and I don't have a permanent job for fall. And yes, I really am done with school. And yes, I did have an interview but I got a reject letter. And yes, there is STILL a CHANCE that I COULD get a JOB for this fall. Yes, even THIS LATE.

I had to put down the plastic fork I was eating wedding cake with to avoid the temptation of stabbing people's eyes out when they asked me why I don't have a job yet.

Here are some answers I felt like saying:

1. Nah, I don't have a job yet. Mike's quitting his job and we're going to take up professional beachcombing.
2. You know, now that I've got that teaching certification, I just don't think it's for me anymore.
3. I've decided that my new goal in life is to move as little as possible and eat as much chocolate as possible and teaching would sort of intrude on that goal.
4. I realize that the least-capable person in my teaching program has a job and I don't yet, but that doesn't bother me one bit (then my left eye starts twitching and I start mumbling about how someone will be sorry someday).
5. I saw how much those guys flying the sign down at the corner of First and Grand make with their "Disabled vet - anything helps - God bless" message and decided to take up panhandling. My sign says: "Out-of-work teacher. Will explain Pythagorean theorem for food."

I'll let everyone know when I have good news. Until then, remove all plastic forks from my reach if you dare to ask.

Mikey's debut

It's official. First there was the billboard. Then came the unlisted phone number because scary people featured in the blotter were calling the house. And last night...

"We have Mike W!gg!ns from the Da!ly Sent!nel joining us," on F0x News' 0n the Rec0rd with Greta V0n Susteren.

My husband is famous. Greta interviewed him about the

Pa!ge B!rgfeld case (the one with the missing mom/ex-wife of a crook/topless massage escort lady).

In his minutes of fame, he updated the host on a search near the Gunnison River and what the investigators are looking at now. He smiled when Greta greeted him and my aunt said it seemed like they were old friends on a first-name basis.

The funniest part of the whole experience came after the interview, when the camera dude at the PBS station that was providing the satellite feed heard something through his headphones connecting him to F0X in New York and replied, "Andrew McC@rthy," a few times.

Mike gave him a weird look. The dude explained that the folks in the F0x control room were debating who Mike looks like. In the past, he's been compared to T0pher Grace. My favorite is how a friend's dad greets him with, "Hello, guvnah," because he's also borne a resemblance to former Colorado guv Bill 0wens.

Judge for yourself, but I think Mikey definitely looks more like T0pher than anyone else.

It's the end of the world as we know it... in 5 years?

Have you guys heard of this "survive 2012" thing?

I guess people had to latch on to some new crazy theory, since Nostradamus is out of fashion and we seem to have forgotten about the avian flu.

A rundown on the theory: The Mayans and a Web-bot that searches for cataclysmic clues and supposedly predicted 9-11 both say that the world might end in 2012.

Or, at the very least, something world-altering is going to happen, like a solar flare or aliens invading or WWIII.

Some dude is even writing a book about it. I'd advise him to get moving on it, since he has less than five years to git-r-done and scare the crap out of everyone.

Part of the theory hinges on the fact that the Mayan calendar "stops" in 2012. Well, did anyone stop to think about all the unfinished projects THEY have lying around? Just because I forgot to flush the toilet doesn't mean I'm never going to use it again. Maybe the Mayans had to go sacrifice a virgin or grind some corn. They didn't have time to pound out another hundred years on their calendar with all the dots and dashes and clamshell symbols.

I've got my own theory. For some reason, some people need a deadline for the world. There have always been doomsday cult followers and there will always be people who take advantage of them. Remember the Heaven's Gate matching sneaker-wearers and comet Hale-Bopp? Remember Y2K and people building their bomb shelters and stocking up on water and Spam? Ever seen one of those people wearing a sandwich board proclaiming "THE WORLD WILL END TOMORROW"?

Yeah, well, today is the old tomorrow and we're still here, buddy.

In the meantime, I'm going to make a list of all the things I have to do in the next five years before the aliens from Atlantis come back to reclaim the world and drown the world in seawater. You know they've got to be behind this whole global warming thing.