Tuesday, July 24, 2007
Friday, July 20, 2007
Seven easy steps to killing a squirrel...
Thought we were going to have a restful day off, but then Mike spotted an evil squirrel perched in our peach tree.
He took forever to load his air soft gun out to scare it away, and Max was completely oblivious to the creature, so I got a broom handle (why not?) and decided to bludgeon it.
Apparently murdering small, furry animals is my thing (recall the mouse incident of 2005?).
The squirrel was sitting completely motionless on the tree branch. Nervously, I raised the broom handle. As those of you who have watched National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation know, a squirrel in a tree can be quite dangerous.
He took forever to load his air soft gun out to scare it away, and Max was completely oblivious to the creature, so I got a broom handle (why not?) and decided to bludgeon it.
Apparently murdering small, furry animals is my thing (recall the mouse incident of 2005?).
The squirrel was sitting completely motionless on the tree branch. Nervously, I raised the broom handle. As those of you who have watched National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation know, a squirrel in a tree can be quite dangerous.
I yelled out a war-whoop HI-YAH! and whacked it with the broom handle, hitting it so hard that the metal handle bent at an angle and the twitching squirrel dropped from the tree. I think I broke its back, I hit it so hard.
Luckily, the formerly oblivious Maxwell had gained interest in the incident and was waiting underneath the branch to catch the squirrel. He bit the squirrel and ran around the yard, shaking the heck out of it. I ran around the yard, wielding the bent broomstick and screaming.
The neighbor lady came out of her house, thinking that I had been ignorant enough to whack a beehive with a stick and was now having my flesh torn off by a swarm of bees. Mike and I were too busy trying to get the dead squirrel away from Max to fully explain the situation.
Now I've left a message at the health department to have the squirrel tested for plague, because its been found up here where we live and the mere fact that the squirrel was just sitting in a tree in Maxwell's yard seems like it was acting strangely to me.
In case any of you find yourselves wondering what to do with a real, live squirrel in your backyard, I've devised these simple and easy steps to ridding yourself of this destructive animal:
1. Get broom handle
2. Bludgeon squirrel with broom handle
3. Dog catches squirrel
4. Dog shakes hell out of squirrel
5. Bribe dog to stop trying to eat squirrel
6. Dispose
7. Inspect dog every two minutes for signs of bubonic plague.
Luckily, the formerly oblivious Maxwell had gained interest in the incident and was waiting underneath the branch to catch the squirrel. He bit the squirrel and ran around the yard, shaking the heck out of it. I ran around the yard, wielding the bent broomstick and screaming.
The neighbor lady came out of her house, thinking that I had been ignorant enough to whack a beehive with a stick and was now having my flesh torn off by a swarm of bees. Mike and I were too busy trying to get the dead squirrel away from Max to fully explain the situation.
Now I've left a message at the health department to have the squirrel tested for plague, because its been found up here where we live and the mere fact that the squirrel was just sitting in a tree in Maxwell's yard seems like it was acting strangely to me.
In case any of you find yourselves wondering what to do with a real, live squirrel in your backyard, I've devised these simple and easy steps to ridding yourself of this destructive animal:
1. Get broom handle
2. Bludgeon squirrel with broom handle
3. Dog catches squirrel
4. Dog shakes hell out of squirrel
5. Bribe dog to stop trying to eat squirrel
6. Dispose
7. Inspect dog every two minutes for signs of bubonic plague.
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